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Breaking News/Archive/042007
Police Officials Believe They Have Captured Osama Bin Laden PAKISTAN OR AFGHANISTAN OR KAZAKHSTAN, April 30, 2007-- In a triumphant example of what almost didn't possibly might have happened, police officials in Pakistan, Afghanistan, Kazakhstan (or one of the other "Stans") have in custody someone matching the description of a suspect wanted in connection with various terrorism-related plots or incidents, Wikiality.com learned today. A photo of the suspect is shown at left. "You see? If America listened to Satan's Handmaiden, and cut and ran from democracy-bringin', this never would've happened," an unnamed White House official proclaimed aboard a burned-out and flooded aircraft carrier, "But, we didn't, see? We Stayed The Course! And now, we captured this guy, Whatshisname. Not that I care or anything, and this don't mean we're leavin' either, I'm just sayin'." Villagers of a small remote goat-herding operation in some godforsaken hellhole cave in the side of a barren mountain spotted the man after CIA agents dropped leaflets with a description of the suspect written in Gaelic, a language common in the area, a spokesman for the CIA told Wikiality.com. "The documents clearly described the man, and the villagers chose the pittance of a reward over any sense of loyalty to their neighbors, I say America's mission is accomplished!" ### More Items Packed Into Fudge Definition WASHINGTON, D.C., April 27, 2007-- Before the adults came in, hippies defined chocolate as containing certain ingredients, which may or may not be controlled substances. And now, after 6,000 years of random, liberal food-making, The Greatest Administration Ever will officially and formally define what makes a dish chocolate. The Bush Administration has announced new guidelines to put a stop--once and for all--to the orgy surrounding the cooking of the cocoa bean. "Ive had it up to here," an unnamed White House official told Wikiality.com, "these damn kids and their need for that infernal bean! If that turkey baster grandkid asks me for anything chocolate, I want to be able to grab anything off a shelf and tell him it's chocolate!" And with those words of wisdom as a guide, the Administration that brought honor and dignity back to the White House has reformed chocolate: * anything that is brown and edible. ### New Hampshire Sanctions Sodomy CONCORD, New Hampshire, April 26, 2007-- *BREAKING* Today's vote by the New Hampshire Senate to allow gay marriage has moved New England one step closer to the "Gaytopia" long sought by the homosexual agenda. Normally reticent New Hampshirians mumbled their approval and/or condemnation while Governor John Lynch and the gay-loving Democrats who forced this decision on them celebrated their fabulous success. Christians around the country are outraged that America's unbroken protections of the Sacred Institution of Marriage has been penetrated. New Hampshire, The Baby Jesus is wailing in pain. More on this story as details emerge. ### Nancy Pelosi Passes Law Regulating Toilet Paper WASHINGTON, D.C., April 25, 2007-- In an unprecedented move, the new democrat speaker, Nancy Pelosi has declared toilet paper an endangered species, thus placing it under government protection and strict regulation! Obviously she sneaked this abuse of power in the middle of the night when no one could stop her in her nefarious plot against all that is good and pure in this life. Every Republican had been up for 2 weeks straight doing the work of the people, while Nancy impatiently pacing, leaving a well-worn path with her hooves in the congressional floor. When it was all over, Satan's Handmaiden single-handedly turned America into a socialist state. With the single stroke of her blood-soaked pen, Pelosi put into law special protections for toilet paper going so far as to place them on the endangered species list, give all rolls (single and two-ply) their own habitat. No longer will girls be allowed to live in the safe bosom of their parent's home before getting married. With the passing of Pelosi's new "Leave No Wild Girl Behind Act" all girls will be required to go wild. Also, Ms. Pelosi have given the gays the right to drive on America's streets! For the full list of laws passed by this out-of-control she-devil, please click here. ### Homosexuality Pulsating in Seattle SEATTLE, WASHINGTON, April 23, 2007-- For most Americans, what homos do is a mystery best left hidden. But, recent events threaten to spritz America's Pacific Northwest in a lavendar scented rainbow. According to sources, June is Gay Pride Month. This is when homosensuality bursts into bloom and those of the sodomite persuasion engage in their fabulous mating ritual: the Gay Pride Parade. However, Americans will not sit back while the gays run wild through their cities primping everything in sight. No. Just days after Washington's lady governor, Christine Gregoire, signed a law giving the gays the right to have driver's licenses, American citizens came forward to fight off the encroachment of yet another Gay Menace into the very heart of straight America. Apparently, the gays use their driver's licenses to parade through the streets, dancing and waving rainbow flags. Sometimes, they even ride on floats. Obviously, such rainbowfying of America's streets could not be taken lying down! So the good Christian people of Seattle bent over backwards to ensure that the gays would not bring this abomination of a parade upon their city. No one is coming forward to take credit for this victory, but Wikiality.com can rule out Pastor Fred since the Westboro Baptist Church prefers to picket/picnic at funerals, leaving the parades to less holy organizations. For more information and updates, please visit this gay tube. ### America's Most Trusted Preacher To Protest America Haters! TOPEKA, KANSAS, April 20, 2007-- God's most righteous messenger on America's Planet, The Right Reverend Fred Phelps revealed another message from Our Lord regarding a holy opportunity to build your Christian cred! Prove or improve your sanctity by showing the world just how much you - and God - hate fags! Please join Mr. Phelps on Saturday April 21, 2007 in Evans, Georgia. Full details are available online. Please note: Pastor Phelps is encouraging full participation for the protest; please do not be tricked into feeling this is a solemn occasion. That's what they want you to think! It is not a funeral for a victim of the shootings at Virginia Tech as some people want you to believe, but exactly what Fred says it is: a reminder that God takes any persecution against Westboro Baptist Church personally and will smite those who sin with a visit from His Holy Messenger: Pastor Fred. The protest will be a potluck. Beverages (holy water, sweet tea, and kool-aid) will be provided by WBC, but please remember to bring a covered dish. For this protest, we are also asking that everyone bring their own plates, napkins, and utensils. At the last protest, Mrs. Phelps brought enough for all true believers, but an abortionist kicked them in the dirt and everybody had to eat with their hands. ***UPDATE*** Nancy Pelosi has interfered in God's work again! Wikiality.com has just learned that Satan's Handmaiden has prevented the good word of Fred Phelps and his Holy Church, Westboro Baptist Church from disseminating the Word of God. Can anyone stop this sinful, sodomite-loving woman?! Please note: The Westboro Baptist Church asks true believers not to throw away their plates, napkins, and utensils at tomorrow's potluck/funeral picketing, as these can be re-used at the potluck/picketing scheduled for the day after tomorrow (or the one scheduled for the day after that - the word from Pastor Fred is that it's sure to be a doozy!) ***UPDATE #2*** It appears someone has come to the rescue of God and His Holy Messenger! Mike Gallagher has promised God and Fred time on his radio program! Hallelujah! Also Please Note: Mrs. Phelps requests that no one bring deviled eggs to tomorrow's potluck/funeral picketing. While she recognizes that these have long been a staple food of the Westboro Baptist Church diet, Pastor Fred has recently been informed by God that deviled eggs are a sinful food (and they give him the vapors). ### Study Confirms Colbert Nationalists Are Most Knowledgeable Americans It's official: members of the Colbert Nation are the most well-informed people in America! A new study by the number nerds over at the Pew Research Center found that while about the same number of Americans are in-tune on current affairs as during the Golden Era of The Second Greatest President Ever, there are some differences. The most important one is that The Colbert Report has emerged as the (joint) number one source for sage-like knowledge and insight on contemporary affairs. According to the study: "the survey respondents who seemed to know the most about what’s going on — who were able to identify major public figures, for example — were likely to be viewers of fake news programs like ... 'The Colbert Report'." We're Number One! There were some anomalies however. Apparently The Colbert Report comes in joint first place with those quivering liberals over at The Daily Show. Must be a statistical error. Fox News was the number one source for the most poorly informed Americans. Don't worry Papa Bear, I'm sure Stephen will provide you with some hints and guidance. More information can be found here. David Irving Denies Forgetting Holocaust Remembrance Day ASS-UPON-HEADFORDSHIRE, ENGLAND, April 15, 2007-- World famous Holocaust denier, David Irving, denied reports that he forgot to celebrate Holocaust Remembrance Day this past Sunday, Wikiality.com learned late Monday. Sources close to Mr. Irving claim that he had forgotten the holiday, but Mr. Irving himself stated that he had not forgotten it at a conference on Holocaust Denial sponsored by the Cold, Flat Globe Society of Houston, Texas held on Monday, April 16, 2007. "Mr. Irving did not forget that Sunday was Holocaust Remembrance Day, he just denies that there is anything to remember," his spokesman told Wikiality.com in an internets. "Furthermore, Mr. Irving would like to make perfectly clear his position on the so-called "holocaust", it didn't happen, but if it had, he would certainly not forget the day that set aside to remember that it didn't happen. He's not senile, you know." ### Scientists Announce Gut Has Its Own Brain The media is increasingly gorging itself on the fictitious obesity epidemic like a tubby kid in a candy store. But in their eagerness to gain public attention they have unwittingly confirmed a closely-held belief of Stephen Colbert. It turns out the human gut has its own brain. According to Dr. Michael Gershon, "We tend to think that the brain upstairs controls everything. In fact the brain in the gut can disturb the one in the head very nicely." Some scientists believe this gut-brain only regulates hunger. But it's more than likely it also controls the truthiness instincts of heroes and other gifted people. Wikiality.com anticipates a further announcement that liberals are scientifically gut-brain-dead. Read more... TIME Magazine Lifts Images from Wikiality.com New York, NY, April 14, 2007 -- There's exciting changes happening at TIME magazine. The liberal publication recently went through a makeover and re-design to make it more "hep", and appointed Jayson Blair to oversee their new "Dashboard" page. The fruits of Mr. Blair's efforts can be seen in the accompanying photo. If the first two images look familiar, they should -- you saw them here first on the Wikiality.com "Write A Caption" page. Robert Byrd Sleeps WIth His Dog & Believes He Is A Cartoon Washington, DC April 13, 2007 Owing to 90 years of soul rotting moral degeneracy due to his status as a Democrat, Senator Robert Byrd admitted before a Senate hearing that he sleeps with his "pet" Shih Tzu that he perversely calls "Baby." Byrd went on to admit that he believes himself to be Popeye the Sailor Man. When contacted about Byrd's statements, a representative from the Navy said "We in the Navy have been combating rumors of the rising tide of the gays within our ranks, what Byrd has said put us back by 20 years." As a result, many Republicans have decided to reappraise the idea of euthanasia. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/04/12/AR2007041202101_pf.html Nancy Pelosi Interfering With The World Bank WORLD BANK HEADQUARTERS, UNDISCLOSED PLAZA, DUBAI, April 12, 2007-- For no discernable reason, Nancy Pelosi is calling for Paul Wolfowitz to step down as head of America's Planet's Bank. "This is none of her business," an unnamed White House staffer told Wikiality.com through email, "███▋ says we should not ████ because it just gives her █ ████▋███. Hey, make sure you ███ █▋█ ██ ██▋█ email." Some people have also said that this sudden push to remove Mr. Wolfowitz from his position has to do with Pelosi's failed attempts at securing his affections. "She's nothing more than a ho who is not welcome into my beautiful, beautifl mind." an unnamed member of The Greatest President Ever's family said during the C-SPAN call-in program, "Retired People's Companion Line" . Wikiality.com has stated many times, often without relevance to the ongoing conversation, that Ms. Pelosi should resign her seat and apologize for stealing it from Dennis Hastert. Wikiality.com asks that everyone post a note telling her exactly how you feel, here. ### Rush Limbaugh Does Not Make Racial Comment During Radio Program DALLAS, TEXAS, April 9, 2007-- The Greatest Radio Broadcaster held court again today, and never once called a bunch of nappy-headed basketball-players "hos". In addition, Rush Limbaugh, didn't demean hos, Kikes or Illegal Aliens. "This just goes to show you, that the Republican Party is the big tent when it comes to American politics," an unnamed serial adulterer said during a lecture at the Cato Institute, "none of our people would consider calling those people names. In fact, some black people are friends of Republicans. Liberals can't say that; they're all tax-raising, latte-drinking, sushi-eating, Volvo-driving, New York Times-reading, body-piercing, Hollywood-loving, left-wing freak shows and they're faggots, too." Wikiality.com sent several members to the seminar and were filled with a fresh sense of our work for America, and we ask that everyone join us. ### Celebrate The Liberation of Christ From That Cave America, April 8, 2007-- All over America, Americans are celebrating the Rapture of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ by taking a vacation from their every-day lives to reflect on the sacrifice He made for all our sins! However, Wikiality.com has learned that Nancy Pelosi declared that Congress come back from the vacations she forced everyone to take in Syria to work on this Holiest of Holy Days. "I have demanded that Congress step away from work," The Greatest President Ever wrote in a special Executive Order he composed after leaving his vacation to save Congress from the machinations of Satan's Handmaiden, "and take time off from everyday work and life and reflect on The Teachings of Jesus...but, I guess some people want to go to Hell. It makes me want to pray for them. And, thus, I have written upon this book of laws, that lo the heathens chose to fail in the Eyes of The Lord, as His servent on this Earth, I have freed them with my pen, Amen." And, with those words, let us all recite this special Easter prayer for all people on the internets on this Holy Day... Dear Jesus; Please forgive all liberals for hating you so much, they fuckin' make me so sick because they don't love you like I do! Oh Lord, strike them down for they know not how much their transgresions hurt me so. Amen ### Truthiness Spreads to Wookieepedia! WOOKIEEPEDIA, THE TUBE OF THE INTERNETS, April 8, 2007-- For the first time ever, truthiness has shone its light on Wookieepedia. Yes, if you happen to visit starwars.wikia.com this fine Easter day, you will be brought to tears by the beauty of Our Glorious Stephen's proud quote, displayed in its rightful place in the Quote of the Day column. IT is one of Shakespearean beauty: "Goodbye, or as Chewbacca would say it, 'raaaaargh'!" The beauty of this quote shall forever be remembered in the annals of that Tube of the Internet's history. However, WE STILL NEED YOUR HELP. At this very moment, the struggle to grace Wookieepedia with even more of the great one's continues. If you visit Wookieepedia, be sure to go to our Quote of the Day Voting Page and do your galactic duty! --Smuggler Freak 03:33, 8 April 2007 (UTC) ### Iran's Ahmadinejad May Release Captive British Sailors DAMASCUS, SYRIA TEHRAN, IRAN, April 4, 2007-- One day after The Greatest President Ever showed his displeasure with Iran capturing 15 British sailors, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad chickend out and will release them from captivity. "Stay the Course has once again proven to be the only working tactic when dealing with mad men around the globe," Vice President Dick Cheney announced during a press conference. He continued, "Once the sailors return to American waters, we will question them to determine exactly what happened." Plans are underway for the sailors to be released near Easter where they will be whisked away to be properly deprogrammed. No word yet on how the war with Iran will be started now. ### Drinking and Driving Now Legal in New Jersey NEWARK, New Jersey, April 3, 2007 -- It's not drunken driving in New Jersey if it involves a ZedBONI™. A judge ruled the four-ton ice rink-grooming machines aren't motor vehicles because they aren't useable on highways and can't carry passengers. ZedBONI™ operator John Peragallo had been charged with drunken driving in 2005 after a fellow employee at the Mennen Sports Arena in Morristown, New Jersey, told police the machine was speeding and nearly crashed into the boards. Police said Peragallo's blood alcohol level was 0.12 percent. A level of 0.08 is considered legally drunk in New Jersey. Peragallo appealed, and Superior Court Judge Joseph Falcone on Monday overturned his license revocation and penalties. "It's a vindication for my client," Peragallo attorney James Porfido said after the hearing. "It's the right decision." Morris County Assistant Prosecutor Joseph D'Onofrio said no decision had been made on whether to appeal. Peragallo, 64, testified at his trial that he did drink beer and vodka, but not until after he had groomed the ice. However, he told police he had a shot of Sambuca with his breakfast coffee and two Valium-pills before work. Original article: CNN ### Director Sydney Pollack Is Making a Movie About the Florida Recount SODOM AND GOMORRAHWOOD, CAULIFLOWER, April 2, 2007-- Hollywood effete and fancy-pantser, Sydney Pollack (once directed a movie with the gays in it, one with Barbra Streisand in it and one set in the UN), Mr. Pollack has now set his sights on The Baby Jesus' favorite election: 2000, the one decided by Florida! For more information, click here. Nancy Pelosi Forces Late-Night Vote To Prevent Start of Baseball WASHINGTON, D.C., April 2, 2007-- In the first instance of the politicization of baseball, America's second favorite sport (after junior league hockey), Nancy Pelosi abused her power yet again, by forcing a late-night vote by the house to block The Greatest President Ever from throwing out the first pitch of the 2007 professional baseball season effectively preventing baseball from ever starting. "Without that first pitch, baseball cannot begin," an unnamed White House staffer reminded America through the reopened website Wikiality.com, " and that is just wrong. Something has to be done to stop this woman from ending all sports; she is out of control." In response to Pelosi's defiance toward American values, God stepped in and gave the New York Mets what will most likely be their only win this season, in a 6-1 spanking of the Cardinals of Saint Louis. A spokesman for the Cardinals told Wikiality.com that they will do everything to recall Nancy Pelosi from the speaker's chair in revenge for their loss. "Che make me berry, berry angry," starting first baseman, Albert Pujols mumbled through an interpreter, "Senora Pelosi berry, berry bad for America." ###